i was reading an article in the Straits Times today and came across a rather interesting story titled, 'Former Karung guni gets his girl'.
here's the gist of it, a 40 year old Karung guni man who has been dating his 43 year old girlfriend, is finally getting married after battling many obstacles. To prove the stereotype of women wanting a more stable partner in relationships, a poll was taken with a conclusion indicating women in Singapore avoided dating men with non-glamorous jobs. This couple was one of the exceptions.
However, Mr Khiew progressed too fast in the relationship while Ms Khoo enjoyed her freedom, thus emitting them on different frequencies. He proposed for the first time via the newspaper which led to a temporarily halt in their relationship; Ms Khoo felt the proposal came too sudden and responded by avoiding contact with Mr Khiew. His perseverence eventually worked out well for him as he moved her with his sincere acts of love and kindness leading to her acceptance of his second marrige proposal.
A few ideas related to interpersonal relationships are demonstrated here. The couple has gone through series of stages before reaching a level known as 'bonding' in the Knapp model. Previously while encountering some problems, Ms Khoo went through a stage of avoidance due to feelings of being awkward after rejecting a proposal. However, instead of falling into the terminating phase where a relationship between both parties cease to exist, the couple's problem was salvage but his strong emotions and willingness to continuing showing his girlfriend much love and care. Their relationship eventually moved into the intensifying phase where awareness and interpersonal relations develop. Both notices the quality of their love for each other and thus leading them into the bonding stage where a mutual agreement for marriage takes place.
A few ideas related to interpersonal relationships are demonstrated here. The couple has gone through series of stages before reaching a level known as 'bonding' in the Knapp model. Previously while encountering some problems, Ms Khoo went through a stage of avoidance due to feelings of being awkward after rejecting a proposal. However, instead of falling into the terminating phase where a relationship between both parties cease to exist, the couple's problem was salvage but his strong emotions and willingness to continuing showing his girlfriend much love and care. Their relationship eventually moved into the intensifying phase where awareness and interpersonal relations develop. Both notices the quality of their love for each other and thus leading them into the bonding stage where a mutual agreement for marriage takes place.
I wonder about Knapp's Relationship Development Model. It seems to be very simplistic. It does not touch on the complexities of human emotions or motivations.
ReplyDeleteFor example, why do people stay together? Its not always because of mutual feelings of love and care, even though it may seem like that on the surface.
I am of the opinion (and also drawing from my own and personal accounts from friends and acquaintances)that people choose to stay in particular relationships for various reasons.
People can get attached to each other or they may get so familiar with the other person that they choose to stay together because its just easier and less scary then venturing out to look for another person who might in point of fact be more compatible with them than their current partner.
People might stay together because of the fear of rejection coupled with low self-esteem. They do not want to try to get someone else they might really be attracted to or want to be with as they might not think that they are good enough for that person and that person would more possibly than not, reject them.
Hence, they stay with the one that they can get and/or are with, and at least there is the comfort of not being alone. Which brings me to my next point. Some people get together and stay together even after realising that they are far from compatible because they are afraid of having to be alone for the rest of their lives.
And they may even decide to get married eventually with this person that they "sorta" like and because they have been together for a long time and become attached to and because they rather be with someone they can "put up with" than spend eternity by themselves.
Other reasons people get together and stay in relationships? The person that they are with may possess traits that they attribute to a past caregiver(e.g. parent, grandparent etc.), and that becomes familiar to them and even comforting. And they might stay with that person just for that reason itself! Beacuse they may remind them of their "mother" or "father".
The reason why human emotions and motivations are complex is mainly because they linger at sometimes subconscious or even unconscious levels. And because of that, people don't always know why they are in certain relationships and these emotions and motivations may have to be teased out before the person is aware of them. And how can these feelings and motivations be communicated to the other if one is unaware that they even exist?!
Interpersonal communication is all good and fabulous when it comes to digging deeper under the surface to develop mutual trust and understanding but how do we begin to communicate if we don't even know what's really "under the surface"?
i definately have to agree on that when it comes to digging deeper as relationships can sometimes be complex due to the involvement of emotions. Exploring relational formation on a surface level may be quite superficial. each relationship is unique even though they may share distinct simalarities hence, a detail observation would seem more approriate instead of generalizing it as a whole.
ReplyDeleteif i were ms khoo i would also be shocked,but i will confront the other party and talk out my discomfort. although the move mr khiew took to propose through a news article is heart rendering and romantic, ms khoo may have felt that he had publicized their relationship too much and thus stopped contacting him, stagnating (stage 8) their relationship.
ReplyDeleteHello!
ReplyDeleteWow, Cherie has brought out lots of ideas on relational formation, which are indeed true. In our society, I guess those reasons play a more prominent role than those stated acccording to Knapp.
And in the case of the karung guni, we could actually apply some of those reasons as well. Sure, it may be love, but there may also be other reasons to their finally tying the knot.
Whatever the case, relationships usually form based on who we feel comfortable with or can live with(:
The bottom line in any relationship is honesty. True love can only grow when both parties are sincere about themselves. No relationship should be based on material dependency on the other party. For example, a relationship will start on shaky ground when someone marries because one party is able to provide financial security for the other person.
ReplyDeleteThe starting point for a healthy relationship, I believe, is to honestly find true love. It is the foundation all relationships need in order to last a lifetime and it is the pillar that will hold a couple through thick and thin.
All too often these days, couples go into marriage because of the convenience the other party provides and not because through love exists between them. The majority of these end up in a strained marriage and in many cases separation, then divorce and the result of which is unhappiness.
The psyche of many people in modern society is too much on how they can gain things for themselves and be comfortable, instead of sharing their happiness with someone else. This is selfish and not love.
This is a very brave relationship. The problem is that the couple is of different intellectual standards because she, I believe is a school principal and he is a karang guni man. Unless they have discuss this issue very carefully when they decided to get married to each other, there may come a point where he may feel inferior to her.
ReplyDeleteBut, like they say, love can conquer all and this is genuine between them and they have a lot of respect for each other, then, the marriage have every chance of weathering the worst of storms between them.
One is important in any relationship is communication. If this couple can relate well and complement each other’s weakness with their respective strengths, their marriage will work out very nicely. But they need to be honest with each other and not hide anything because of fear of embarrassment. They deserve a lot of respect for going through this marriage.
ReplyDeleteAs some others has said here, the key to such a marriage between two people of complete backgrounds is good interpersonal reaction and communication. If both of them are able to look way past the social standing of the other person and get to know what dwells in the heart and mind of the other, the marriage can weather the worst storms. Real love with willing sacrifice has not other substitute.
ReplyDeleteI totally agree with Ian. However at the end of the day, matters of the heart I feel are complex by nature and vary from people to people. No two people are really the same and I feel that like wise so may be their approach to a relationship. Communication is important indeed to develop a relationship whether intimate or plain social.
ReplyDeleteIn the intimate relationship you have mentioned, I feel that sometimes we should try to except that real love can exist for some people. Your article has displayed how people get married to a partner for who they are and not what they are.